What It Really Feels Like

Wish I could find something that depression compares to but nothing compares. It feels like a demon covered with endless sets of eyes that continuously stare. It feels cold like something took everything you had and left you alone and bare. It feels wrong when someone tells you you’re dying slowly, but you can’t find it in you to care. For some reason, it feels right when you think about sitting in the electrical chair. When you smile for the first time in days you forget how happiness is now something that’s rare.

Sometimes you feel tired all day and have never felt more weak. No matter the hours you rest your soul, your eyes stay heavy the whole week. It feels like no matter how far ahead you look the future always looks bleak. It seems like when hope comes by it passes faster than a lightning streak. It feels like tears rush to your face each time you try to speak. It feels like even though you have something important to say, you’ll always stay meek.

Sometimes it lights up your body, anger burning like a wildfire. The fury is like a drug and you only long to get higher. It feels pointless spilling your deepest thoughts to someone paid for hire. And nothing eats you alive more than someone saying the future's brighter. It feels like the reassuring voice inside your head is actually a liar. The hate for everyone and everything burns like flesh in a deep fryer.

Sometimes paranoia controls and makes it seem like everyone’s out to get you. It feels like no matter what they say, no one’s words are ever true. It feels like things are happening behind your back and you haven’t got a clue. The silence is dangerous, when you’re alone the evil thoughts start to brew. It feels like you constantly need reassurance, and when it comes it’s overdue. You can’t trust a word from anyone, and your morals start to skew.

Sometimes real happiness comes by but it’s always only temporary. You get so used to the darkness, when the light comes it seems too scary. It feels like when you smile at life you have to start thinking cautionary. Because although the joy is weightless, it’s something you choose not to carry. It seems like each day your acceptance of happiness is a factor meant to vary. It seems each time bliss comes around a voice tells you to stay wary.

Sometimes the people that love you are brave enough to reach out. They see that you’re not okay and have the nerve to speak out. You feel good for a moment but then sink deep into self-doubt. It feels like when people say they want to help it’s really only for the clout. It feels like you ask for help but each time you do the louder the darkness shouts. It feels like you see everyone growing but you can’t because you’re on the wrong route.

At most hours it feels like your life has no hope. It feels like you’ll always want to choose poison to help you cope. It feels normal to envision your neck hanging by a rope. It seems like you slip up more often than a bar of ivory soap. It feels normal to have a soul so broke.

It feels normal to live a life with no hope.

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