To whoever finds this first,

To whoever finds this first, 


I don’t know where to start as I begin to write this bitter letter. Picturing you reading this piece of paper has me wiping tears into the cloth of my oversized sweater. I wish I had been stronger and I wish my mental state was better. But a wish is lost hope; and mine disappeared after experiencing broken weather. 


It’s pathetic this is how you find out I departed from planet earth. But I’m not sorry for leaving, one side of me swore that before I was twenty-four I’d be lying in dirt. I can’t find a number of low enough value that I’ve set on my self worth. I can’t find an accurate way to explain the pain and assert the hurt. It’s taking everything in me to admit that it feels like I haven’t been meant for life since birth. 


You’re probably asking why I took a contract from death and brought a pen to sign it. I searched for a smile twenty trips around the sun and couldn’t bring myself to find it. At first the numbness felt nice, and I convinced myself I didn’t mind it. Ten different demons in my head grew stronger, each time they screamed I felt my mind flip. Then it started to feel like feeling numb all the time was exactly how god designed it.  


I hope losing me doesn’t encourage you to lose who you are. I hope you smile and think of me each night you look up and see a shining star. Because that’s exactly how I always wanted my soul to be viewed. But demons snatched up the sound parts of my head and gave them back skewed. 


I confess it’s not right, being so young and feeling like all life is, is just an unending fight. I confess it’s not okay, to be asked what makes me happy and not have a word to say. Just a year above my teens, and I feel like I’ve lived four lifetimes. I’ve been thinking about doing this for a few seasons, and now just felt like the right time. 


You’re asking yourself how this could happen and how it got to this point. This disease in my head made everything seem out of place like a dislocated joint. To me, happiness felt as haphazard as the flip of a coin. 


I ask that you don’t point fingers to find someone to blame. It’s only my former reflection that deserves the shadow of that shame. Hopefully this can teach that being sad for a moment and being depressed in the mind, are two things that aren’t the same. Hopefully in two years time you’ll still be able to look at a picture of my face and remember my name. 


I know nothing could fix the fact that I was born this way. I was meant to exist but never live, then close my eyes and pass away. I was never meant to see anything but a world in shades of grey. There was a lot of truth and agony in those past three lines. You’re probably feeling unsteadiness beginning to claw as it crawls up your spine. You’re probably wondering why taking my own life seemed like such a clear sign. As I locked the door on my way out this evening, part of me was on cloud nine. Because taking my breath away is the only thought I’ve had complete control over in a very long time. 


To my parents, you did everything right from the start. You gave me a life filled with love from the depths of your heart. You accepted my mind even when it tore yours apart. Dad, you taught me how to fall in love with the grind. How I could do anything when I focused on the goals in my mind. How to be patient and loving and kind. How to live with mistakes, because the clock won’t ever rewind. Mom, you taught me how to be strong. How to put your heart back together when too many loved ones are gone. How to admit when I did something wrong. How to love others when they felt like they didn’t belong. 


To my little brother, you’ll forever be my best friend. I know becoming something great is something for you that’s destined. I know there are thoughts swimming through your head that you want to end. I know I’ve created a pain inside your heart that no stranger can mend. But even though I’m gone, I have your back when it’s demons you have to fend. I know part of you hates me right now, but a bigger part understands my decision. I know you know how the pain inside hurts deeper than an eight inch incision. Maybe me leaving can inspire your life to take on a new vision. Malcolm, you taught me how to accept the fact that my gifts were unique. How to avoid crumbling under the voices of other people’s critique. How to find comfort during the times I was weak. How to express myself with an absence of fear when it was my turn to speak. 


To my modest circle of friends, I don’t really know what I can say. A majority of my time spent with you was putting on a front and pretending I was okay. In reality, my mind and my morals were suffering decay. All of you are simply amazing and incomparable people. And I pray my passing doesn’t sway you to pass on praising the Sunday steeple. I know there are only two of you who knew my head was filled with a crowd. And I feel like we knew this day was coming, but never said it out loud. I thank you for loving a broken soul even though I wasn’t proud. To my friends, you taught me how to forget about my pain for a little while. How to forget about my tears; because with every single one of you, all I could do was smile. How to focus on something else while the degrading messages in my mind piled. How to help me feel like I wasn’t alone and lost in exile. 


I’ve tried to walk through life and feel alive but I can’t. I’ve tried to do more with myself than just survive but I can’t. I’ve tried to put on a smile while the demons rant. I’ve tried to ignore the words while the demons rant. I don’t think I was ever meant to have a mind that was sensible and stable. I know so many of you thought I could do this, but I knew I never could’ve been able. 


And I know out of anger some of you will deem this a selfish act. I can’t criticize you for thinking my actions are abstract. I just couldn’t take another day suffering as my thoughts attacked. The voices made me feel so small so compiled and so compact. It felt like leaving on my own terms was the only clear thought I could attract. I know I could never put all my feelings into words quite exact. I guess the best way to describe it would be to say my head felt like the part that was made to be happy was the part that was cracked. 


The air that used to fill my lunges may have ceased. But find a little comfort knowing I’m finally at peace. There’s no more trying to escape my mental fears. There’s no more nights crying while I familiarize myself with the taste of my tears. There’s no more feeling like I’m too insane. There’s no more voices overtaking my brain. I can finally rest. I can finally breathe. I can finally go to sleep without grinding my teeth. I know my existence on this timeline was short and sweet. But I look forward to the next time we can meet. 


I think I could’ve made something of my life if it wasn’t for the thoughts in my head.


With all the love I have, 


mackenzie



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