Tell me why I dive into this darkness headfirst. What drove me to the point of feeling broken since birth? When did I start to degrade my self-worth? Why does thinking about the future make my heart hurt? Where will my body lay when I’m six feet deep in the dirt? How did it get to the point where it’s only with death that I flirt?
Who can I blame? What is this game? When will I feel sane? Why do I feel such deep pain? Where the fuck is my brain? How will I ever bring myself to change? So many questions I’ve been left with as I watch how my tears drip. But these questions are just getting started. Watch how I let my mind slip.
Who can help me? Who can save me? If this life is plan A who has plan B? Who can understand me? Who knows how to set pain free? Who can open up my closed eyes to see? Who can wipe my tears? Who can break my fears? Who can pull me up from death? Who can give my soul new breath? Who can hear my screams and bring them to silence? Who can swim through my thoughts and kill all the violence? I’m looking for a soul to save me, someone who has no fear. I’m looking anywhere and everywhere except in the mirror. Maybe if my gaze changed direction to meet the eyes in my own reflection I’d be forced to think clearer.
What is wrong with my head? What does it take to drop dead? What are the long term effects of all these prescription meds? What’s the meaning of drinking this wine and eating this bread? What is this pain I feel in my chest? What does it take to be at my best? What’s the point of life if it’s always a mess? What if life is just a test? What if we’re all a simulation? What if we’re all just controlled by a computer through careful calculation? What if this is all fake? What’s the point I have to reach to finally break? What kind of person thrives inside a mental prison? What’s so bad about living with no vision? I freeze and get stiff when I drown myself in ‘what ifs’. Looking at the big picture I realize it doesn’t really matter if I’m here or not. Feeling like I’m sinking deeper when I feel my morals rot.
When will these voices in my head stop talking? When I’m right on the edge will I back up or will I keep walking? When will I wake up without the blues stalking? When will I gather the strength to recover? When will I say my final words to my brother? When will I learn to love like my mother? When will I stop hating the world and everything in it? When will I view peace as more than a gimmick? When will feeling happy not feel strange? When will I finally decide to change? I torture myself believing the answer’s never. I feel I’ll be this way forever. It’s hard to look in the future when I’ve been living in the past. It’s hard to care about the future when you know you’ll still put yourself last.
Why am I even alive? Better yet, why was I born? Why do I find guidance in the devil and his horns? Why is my life gray? Why am I this way? Why can’t I ever just be okay? Why do I treat suicide like a game I might play? Why aren’t my steps steady? Why don’t I give up already? Why does following through with it make my breath heavy? Why am I a failure? Why can’t I believe in the Savior? Why do I hate the way I am but never change my behavior? Why does life feel unfair? Why do people lie and say they care? Why does it feel like the pressure’s weighing right above me? Why did it take a suicide story for my friends to tell me they love me? I don’t know why I act this way. I just want to be plain. Doctors tell me it might be a chemical imbalance within my brain. Maybe it’s my past. Maybe the long term effects of my antidepressants don’t really last. Maybe it’s a lot of things at this point I can’t find it in me to care. I just want to get to a point where my thoughts don’t give me a scare.
Where is the end of this path? Where is the end of this rath? Where am I going? Where am I destined to be? Where’s the bright future that was promised to me? Where can I find peace? Where will my body lay when I die? Slumped in a ditch as cars drive by? In my room overdosed on a pill supply? Where will my family be when they first hear the news? Where will their hearts be, knowing mine’s turned blue? Where will I be laid to rest? Where can I go to stop feeling like less? Where can I go to stop thinking like this? I can’t see where I’m going but it doesn’t feel right. Left the sunshine sometime ago, now I live in the night.
How does it feel to feel bliss? How do I make that list? How do I break myself from death’s kiss? How have I made it this far? How am I driving this car? How do I hide my scars? How have I trapped myself behind imaginary prison bars? How am I alive? How have I tried so hard to O.D. but still manage to survive? How come I never learn from my mistakes? How come one wrong turn makes my insides quake? How come one sentence can make my mind break? How come I feel like I’m here all alone? How come I feel the pain rooted deep in my bones? How come no one has saved me yet? How do I not drown in this pool of regret? How do I continue to wake up and face the day? If I get to look God in the eyes, how will I know what to say? How I got here, I still don’t know. I’ve dug deep in my past but still have nothing to show. It feels like for a while now I’ve been falling slow. It makes my heart hurt to say it but I tell myself I’m not afraid to go.
These questions make their impression on my head in just one afternoon. I’m afraid of the person I become when there’s a set in the sun and a rise in the moon. I know I’m leaving soon. I know my time is soon. I’m not sure of many things but I’m sure my time is soon. The questions cause my mind to scatter and leave a trail of ruin. But I’m starting to feel all the questions don’t really matter, because I know I’m leaving soon.