I have depression and I don’t really care who knows it.
Initially, I viewed depression as something I needed to continuously cover up so it would never be discovered by anyone. I was ashamed that I was weak enough to let my mind control every aspect of my life; my sleep, my eating habits, and my mental state. The cycle of my self hatred only grew more aggressive the more embarrassed I was of myself.
The closest I’ve ever come to letting depression take over my life was during a time where I believed my existence on earth was nonessential. In my eyes, there was not a point in letting a soul as lost and broken as mine to continually live and take up space in the world. In my head, I knew I was a constant burden to all the people in my life because of the fragile makeup of my mental state.
I had constructed an easy plan to take my own heartbeat. I knew exactly what to do and knew I was capable enough to achieve this. Get in my car, drive around ninety and steer directly into the large oak tree right off the back-road in the countryside. I knew if I hit it right on, my life would end. I knew I could finally be in control of something in a life that constantly felt like something else was controlling it.
The only thing that stopped me from proceeding was guilt. I couldn’t bear to imagine the situation in which I passed and my family wasn’t given any explanation as to why this happened. Each night I tried to bring myself to write them a note of explanation, something in my head wouldn’t let me. Something in my head forced myself to imagine my parents, my brother, or my best friends reading that note and it not having any value to them.
So each day a dark thought came I pictured them. I thought of the amount of love they had for me even though I did so much to try and push them out of my heart. And for awhile that was the only thing that got me through my day; imagining their faces. Their love eventually inspired me to change.
Loving myself still comes as a challenge to me often. Accepting my depression and being open about it has healed my heart in ways I never thought possible. Grabbing that darkness that almost took over, looking it in the eyes, and saying, “f**k you” is the most powerful action I’ve ever taken in my life.
Yes, I have depression. No, it doesn’t control my life anymore. No, I don’t really care if it makes you uncomfortable. And no, I don’t care who knows it. Because although this almost ruined me, it has built me to be the most powerful version of myself I’ve ever witnessed. And I love myself for it.