Colder than I was last week. My heart feels a lot colder than it was last week. Went to therapy twice last week but something in my mind didn’t free my mouth to speak. Probably should have mentioned at this time of year my anxiety’s at its highest peak. Even though it’s been a few years now, the pain still festers deep. Part of me needs someone to blame, so in my shame, I turn to God with my hands folded down on my knees. But when it comes time to pray my mouth decays and doesn’t make a peep.
Mostly because I don’t even know where to start. My heart’s ripped apart because He decided age thirty-seven was my uncle’s time to depart. Just a child when I heard the news he was dead. Barely sixteen I didn’t even understand death yet. I didn’t really get it. I didn’t know what this meant. I replay that day over and over and it still fucks with my head.
All I knew is that day I woke up whole and went to bed with my heart indented. I can still hear grandma screaming ‘he’s gone!’ and being frozen wondering if she really meant it. That first night my eyes couldn’t close to sleep a single wink. I stayed awake through the hours because experiencing death made me think.
That night, I thought about a lot. Realized I took for granted having the brother that I’ve got. Realized life is short and it doesn’t matter all the materials I’ve bought. I thought about regret. I thought about our last talk on the phone. To this very day, it still haunts me I can’t remember what we talked about. It eats me alive from the inside and down to my bone when I’m all alone. I thought about the pain. I didn’t know how it would affect the future back then, but you dying hasn’t left me quite the same.
For a while, I sheltered myself in my own lane. Not only because I was sad but I was furious inside. No one explained to me exactly how you died. I remember being torn to shreds hearing the rumors that it was suicide. I wanted to talk about my feelings but my pride denied it. So I stayed in my corner, content just to hide it. I let those feelings of pain and sadness turn into resentment and mental madness.
It feels so degrading realizing each day my memories of you are fading. I hope it goes without saying that I'll always keep you close to my heart even when my hairs start greying. Sometimes I sit in silence and think about what it would be like if you were still here on earth with us. I wonder if you look down from heaven and miss us. I hope you’re looking down. I hope you look at me and feel proud. I hope you love all the things I've created. I hope you beam that famous smile when I’ve finally made it.
Every year at this time I'm reminded that you left my life a little too soon. But I’ll think of you and feel peace when I soak in the beauty of the stars and the moon. Every year at this time a small scar on my heart gets reopened again. It used to bother me but now it’s okay. It just shows me how much you meant.